Heart to Heart with Diane

I had been talking to my family over the last month about recognizing God’s hand in our daily lives. I challenged them to jot down any little miracles that came their way, so that they would remember them.  We had a good discussion about the idea that God blesses us on our way, and we often don’t even realize it.  I asked everyone to be alert, watching for God’s hand in their life.

After these discussions, we were all naturally in the position of “watch and see”.  Of course, expecting a miracle makes you want to pray more.  I found myself praying for God’s help more constantly, and watching for His hand.  I asked my children day-to-day what was happening to them, and each time I asked, at least one of them would tell of some small incident that had lightened their load.

I’ll  tell you one of mine:

At the time, my son Ammon was preparing to be a missionary.  He got a long list of what to take to Chile, and it included a certain type of waterproof shoes (it is really really wet at the southern tip of Chile!)  So Ammon and I shopped and shopped and shopped.  We found a pair that felt good to him, and was waterproof and met all the qualifications, so we bought it, in spite of the triple digit price tag.  Then we continued shopping.  He needed two pairs of waterproof shoes.  He tried on innumerable pairs of shoes, but couldn’t find a pair that met the standard and fit well.  As the time ticked away for his preparation, we decided to go back to the original store where he bought his first pair a few months before, and just buy a duplicate pair.  That seemed to solve the problem.  We asked God to smooth the way for us.

We entered the shoe store and asked to purchase the shoes, only to find that they had not received a shipment for 8 weeks from that shoe company, in spite of several phone calls to urge them on. In addition, that particular style had been discontinued.  It seemed we were dead-ended now!  I asked the sales clerk if she would go and check if the delayed order had possibly been delivered that morning. I was trying to exercise faith. The sales clerk was reluctant, but she left for awhile, and when she came back, quite surprised, she exclaimed that, yes, the box had arrived just that morning.  She said it would be a long while before the incoming shipment could be opened and entered into their store inventory, however.  And it was nearly impossible that it would contain the shoes we needed.  I told her we’d wait.

After fifteen minutes of waiting (which never comes easy to me), the sales clerk located a large box and opened it.  The chances that the particular style of shoe we wanted would be in that box were very slim.  To find the right size would be even slimmer.  I think you can guess the ending. The sales clerk quickly scanned the box ends, and lifted out the exact pair we needed!  Even in such a small thing, God’s hand—his tender mercy to us—was demonstrated so vividly!

It is amazing, when you stop and watch, how many times God is there to smooth your way.  His hand is truly a help to us. He cares about the personal details of our lives!  Sometimes we just have to watch for it.

“Be not faithless, but believing” —John 20:27

Question:

I put my son James in public school for a short time and the teacher said he was “behind”.  I was so upset, I cried for days!  You said he is so young, I shouldn’t worry.  At what point should I worry?

Answer:

At what point should you worry?

NEVER!

Just pray and do your very best.  Children have their own growth path, their own maturation process.  Assisting them to learn what they are interested in, and providing fun ways to learn the things they have no interest in, but that are necessary life skills—is the best any mortal can do, including any public school teacher.  You are their very best teacher!  Your methods may vary, and you may explore and try new ones, but basically, it is YOU— your love, your caring concern, your energy to help them pursue their interests— not the academics, that makes a good education.

Your child is not “behind” or “ahead”.  He is James.  Period.  With all his varying skills and abilities—some areas higher and some areas lower than the “norm” (which doesn’t exist, of course).

I am so sorry that you felt bad and cried about the teacher’s opinion.  James is who he is. I wish you could see how it will work out—that James will grow up to become his own phenomenal person!

I think we underestimate the divine nature in our children.  They are progressing, opening like a blooming flower.  And their potential and final intelligence level is really not up to us, just as we cannot determine what color a blossoming flower will be.  We can assist, or retard their blooming efforts, but we can’t determine their talents, ability or intelligence level.

Make sure he has religious training. That is the biggest factor, because as kids get to be teens, their respect for God, and for you and others will make a huge difference.  Next, make sure he has the basics:  reading, writing and math—according to his time table—don’t put expectations on him to go faster, to be something he is not.   Make it fun, as I know you try to do!  Help him:  be his best aid in pursuing his interests.  Get books at the library, buy kits, find DVDs, travel with him, take him to science fairs, seek out mentors like the blacksmith at the county fair, that can answer his questions.  Kids are hungry to learn things that interest them. Feed him as fast as he can take it.  And don’t force feed him too much stuff that he has no interest in.

I used to stress, too. I think it is because I had the mistaken idea that I was the creator.  That how my children turned out  intelligence-wise, talent-wise was entirely up to me, somehow. I know that if you keep homeschooling the best you can, and you keep him out of public school and make sure he has religious training, you will be calling me in ten years to tell me what a fabulous, smart, achieving, amazing son James is.

Breathe deep.  He is God’s child first, yours second.  Do your best, and you’ll be amazed with the results!

Diane Hopkins is the homeschooling mother of 7 and the author of Heart-to-Heart with Diane.  She chooses the homeschool resources for her store, Love to Learn.

To make a comment to this post, just click on the Heart-to-Heart logo at the top of this post, which will take you to the website, where you can post your comment.  I so appreciate you posting comments, as your wisdom benefits every reader.  Thank you!

(Note: this is supposed to be a lighthearted look at one of the common differences in marriage.   I am trying to offer help, not discredit males. I love my husband and my sons!)

I was chatting with a couple about their Valentine’s Day.  It surprised me to hear that she had ordered flowers for herself online, and then thanked her husband when they arrived.  The husband cringed and claimed innocence, “I don’t know how to please her, what she wants, if she would be upset if I spent money on flowers or not.”  I commiserated with both of them.  But, wait!  These were not newlyweds!  They have been married a long, long time, and raised 8 children. I think it is time to learn how to model being a happy married couple to their kids!

I chuckle when I think back about our early Valentine’s days.  When our first Valentine’s Day rolled around, we were newly married students on a very tight budget.  I was pregnant with our first child.  I saved an empty toilet paper roll and filled it with candy and wrapped it in red paper, twisting it at each end to look like a giant candy.  Creative and cheap.  My husband forgot Valentine’s Day for me.  No, let me rephrase that. He didn’t forget. He didn’t know. Never crossed his mind to do something for me.  I remember his response.  He was pleased that I had done something fun for him, but it seemed like a very heavy burden had just crossed his path… (oh boy, am I expected to do something?!) Keeping a woman can be a bit o’ trouble!

Big learning curve when you marry.  Many husbands seem to be oblivious. Many wives shed tears, get hurt, get mad, get even.  Is there a better way?

I just read a humorous article on how to translate what women say.  The author claims that when a woman says, “Let’s just give each other the gift of getting something for the house”, the translation of this sentence is actually, “I want you to buy something wonderful and surprise me with it!” I laughed about it, but it is so true!

Women need love lavished upon them. After all, they are women, ever constant, always serving, forever caring for the family, seldom putting their needs first.  They love pretty things, and it was not so long ago, they were girls dreaming of Prince Charming.  It only seems right that they should have the recompense of a token of love and appreciation now and then.  It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, but it does take thought, thoughtfulness, and a little effort.  Things that men are sometimes clueless about.  Even a quickly composed 4 line poem (roses are red, violets are blue…),  a bouquet of wildflowers, or a doughnut will bring “oohs and aahs” and delight.  But neglect is very, very hard to bear for a woman.  And continued neglect can extinguish the most devoted love.

My husband has grown and learned a lot and is thoughtful and gives me gifts and I am so grateful!  It has taken quite a few decades to get to this place, however, so young wives, don’t despair.  I’ve cried my share of tears so I am going to call myself qualified to give advice.  Whether qualified or not, here goes:

Instructions to a Man on How to Make His Wife Happy and Keep Her Loving Him (on the Subject of Special Days)

1.  Don’t listen to a word she says when she claims she “doesn’t need anything” or “don’t waste money”.

2. Go through your calendar and post yourself a note a week before every event you can think of:  Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, etc. (Do your married son a favor and remind him too!)  There are even free online “birthday reminder” services will email you automatically two weeks, and then again one week before any special event.  Can’t get any easier to remember.

3. Pick a love token to give your wife.  The safe bets are:

• A pretty card
• A  handwritten love note
• Flowers
• Something sweet to eat:  fruit, candy or a bakery item
• Sweet smelling lotion or bath stuff

Two of these is even better, such as a card and flowers, or some lotion and a note. Now the plan here is not to get her what she wants. That is too hard of a job, and you are probably going to muff it and get the blue one with black buttons instead of the black one with blue buttons.  I am just talking about giving a love token, not reading her mind.  It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming.

Right before Valentine’s Day, I walked around Wal-mart and had the intense itch to buy up a cart-full of cutesy things to distribute to my female friends and neighbors along with a tag signed in their husband’s name.  They had single decorated cupcakes in cute little boxes for $3.  They had roses, and charming stuffed animals and strawberries and chocolates and lotion and more and more and more!  For $5, any man could put his wife into a swoon!  So much for so little!

With the internet, and radio ads that claim all you have to do is call their 1-800 number on your drive to work and they’ll deliver delight to your sweetheart within 24 hours, you really can’t come up with an excuse.

4. Consider this an investment and treat it as important as depositing your paycheck.  Which it is.

Instructions to a Wife to Help Her Husband Keep Remembering Special Days:

Women, being the sensitive creatures they are, do not often need reminders to do sweet things for their husbands on special days.  Seems making their favorite dinner and decorating with streamers is built into a woman’s hard drive. At least, I don’t know any women that forget.  So, I’ll move right on to the more important matter.  How to react so that your husband doesn’t give up quickly.

My friend (who sent herself flowers) admitted that her husband did bring home a poinsettia for Christmas one year, but she didn’t like it, and let him know that.  That’s not the way to get more flowers! So, here’s your “to do” list:

1. Realize that this may not come very natural to him, and you are going to have to give a lot of reinforcement for the practice to continue.

2.  Always express delight and gratitude.  Don’t ever mention it is the wrong thing (black with blue buttons instead of blue with black buttons) in the event that he attempts to buy the thing you want rather than a generic love token.  There are more important things than getting the right thing.  Like getting anything at all!

3.  Place the love token into a prominent place, like the center of the dining room table.  Smell it, read it, use it, eat it, bath with it. . .  as the case may be.  So he sees you are really happy about it.

4. Tell everyone that will listen how thoughtful your husband is, especially when he is present!

Note: I realize not every man in the world is clueless.  Just several. In the rare event that you are one of the women married to a guy who remembers and eagerly lavishes you with gifts and appreciation naturally,  please just delete this post.  And enjoy what you have!

For the rest of us married couples trying to learn how to be good to each other, practice makes perfect! How about write him/her a love and appreciation note right now?

Here’s dinner that I can get on the table in 15 minutes!  It’s ideal for after church lunch, or for one of those days when you have errands and place to go until dinner time.

Dinner prep starts the night before.  Just pull a package of boneless chicken breasts or thighs out of the freezer and put the entire package in the crockpot and replace the lid. (Do not turn the crockpot on yet!)  The crock is insulating and when you wake up next morning, the chicken will still be ice cold but thawed.  In the morning, remove paper wrappings from meat and put the chicken pieces down into the crockpot with 1/4 cup of water.  Sprinkle chicken with spices (cumin, taco seasoning, chili powder, smoked paprika or oregano leaf) or leave it plain.  Put the lid on the crockpot and turn the setting to “high” if you have just 4 hours before dinner or “low” if you have 8 hours.

Now go to church, or go do your errands.

When you get home, put the timer on 15 minutes because that is when dinner will be ready!

Heat corn tortillas by laying a tortilla directly on the rack over the gas burner on your stove top.  I get all 4 burners turned on very low and flip the tortillas once.  Put the heated tortillas into a pie plate covered with a lid to keep them warm.  This is the fastest and most authentic tasting way to heat up tortillas that I’ve found.

While the tortillas are heating, grate cheese, chop green onions, shred lettuce, slice avocado, chop cilantro and dice tomatoes and put them in serving bowls.  Kid help comes in mighty handy here, but it is possible to do it yourself in 15 minutes.

Remove chicken from crockpot and shred gently with a fork. Pour crockpot broth over the chicken.

At the table:  everyone assembles their own by laying a soft corn tortilla on their plate, followed by some shredded chicken, cheese, green onions, diced tomatoes, avocado slices, lettuce and salsa.  Garnish with cilantro.

Easy, healthy and delicious!

Everyone seems to resist change. I think it is human nature.  We like things the way they are and we don’t want someone rearranging the furniture, switching the rules, or changing things.

Knowing this simple truth can make you a very powerful person!  As moms, we get enthused over something and we come up with a plan and decide to reform our kids, whether it be in homeschool or chores, or whatever.  It is usually met with outcries rather than consent.  Instead of “cracking down”, use the amazing principle of “little by little” to your advantage.

Have you heard how a wild animal is taught to eat out of a human’s hand?  The first day, food is left far out in the field, within view the person’s house.  The following day, the food is 5 feet closer to the house.  The next day, the person stands against their door while the animal comes to eat.  Slowly, slowly . . . closer, closer . . . easing the creature into familiarity.  It may take a year, but they will succeed!

When my son Daniel was a teenager with emerging muscles, he determined to build his strength by lifting up his little sister Emily every single day.  At age 16, Daniel didn’t have a problem hoisting our little petite 3-year-old onto his shoulder and carrying her around, head hanging upside down.  Day by day he continued, and by the time she was 13, the weight load had changed considerably, but he was used to it—and still doing it!

We’ve all heard how to cook a frog—by putting him in a pan of cold water and gradually turning up the heat.  Had the water been hot initially, he would have leaped out of the pan immediately! Well, we are like that too! We get used to things easily and gradual changes are not even noticed.

Kids (or anyone else for that matter) can be edged gradually into a new pattern that they would reject flatly if you did it all in one fail swoop. One of the amazing things about human beings is that they are highly adaptable.  A lizard cannot live in the Antarctic.  Polar bears cannot live in the desert. But amazing humans adapt and live in all sorts of extremes—in cardboard boxes in city ghettos to igloos in freezing conditions.

You can use that adaptation capability to help meet your goals.  Knowing that you can get from A to Z or from low to high—not all in one giant leap, but step-by-step—can be magic.   If you want your daughter to write daily, instead of announcing a new crash “essay-a-day” writing program, have her write one sentence today.  That isn’t anything to complain about.  And tomorrow, two sentences.  Nothing really!  And the next day, three. . .

You can use this principle on yourself very effectively.  Two minutes of jump roping isn’t too much to ask. Reading just one page a day of a 650  page book is quite doable.  Not eating sugar for just one day is manageable.  Organizing just one kitchen drawer is really nothing much.  But day-by-day, you can reach the stars!

Next time you get the itch to take drastic measures to improve your home life, your children’s obedience, your housekeeping, your homeschool, or anything else—remember:

little by little!

Today I said goodbye to my son, Ammon Joseph, for two years.

Ammon has decided to be a missionary and he will be going far, far from home, to the southern tip of Chile!  He has dedicated himself to teaching the native people there about our Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is a land of volcanoes, earthquakes, penguins and icebergs. And thousands of islands.  It rains much of the time. And its people need to know their Savior, too.

I will miss him so much, but I am very proud of him!  He earned his money himself, and is doing what he believes in, to help and serve others.  What more could a mother wish of her teenage son?

Leaving home is not easy, and dedicating himself to serving and teaching those he does not even know is very noble.  I am pleased.  But today my heart aches to say goodbye to the boy I love so much!

At the Lincoln Memorial

We just got home from a spur-of-the-moment week-long educational field trip to Washington DC!  Since we live in the West,  being able to see our American history memorials, sites and documents is a really big thrill for my kids . . . and for us parents too!  Louisa is studying the American Revolution right now in her homeschool history studies, so this was a perfect learning tool. We had a chance to go for cheap, so we jumped at it, and off we went! The White House, the Capitol building, Smithsonian museums, the National Archives, the Lincoln Memorial, Mt. Vernon, Library of Congress, Smithsonian museums . . .  hurray!

In my opinion, an educational trip counts for about a year of book-learning, so we travel as often as we can manage it.  In the botanical gardens of Florida, snorkeling on the reefs in Mexico or sitting in on a Supreme Court session—real education happens!  Most importantly, we change. Every experience cranks our minds open.  We aren’t a big fish in a little pond anymore.  The wider the world gets, the more we see how we fit into it and that is humbling.  We come away asking, “How can I contribute to this big world?”

Being a homeschooling family, we are always looking for opportunities and nothing packs opportunity like travel.  Seeing new people, new types of houses, unfamiliar lifestyles, unique cultures, trying new foods, traveling on forms of transportation we are unaccustomed to—they all are mind-expanding.

We travel light and cheap.  We eat plain.  My kids say we went through Europe on foot, on bread and water—and it is true! We are hungry for history, thirsty for adventure!  We figure we can eat more lavishly and dress more fashionably when we get home.  Going light and cheap means we can make it happen!  As soon as our kids can pull a rolling suitcase, they are in charge of holding their own. We aim to go to bed early, get up early and pack each day when we travel.  We have to get along in close quarters. (Yes, there are rough moments.)

Going cheap: We search for ultra cheap flights, use Priceline to bid for crazily inexpensive car rentals (our trip to Washington DC landed us a luxury van for just $15 per day).  We’ve stayed in 5 star hotels for $40 a night by “name your own price” on Priceline.  Although staying in a 5 star hotel is a fabulous experience that is super-fun for kids (and adults), I would recommend bidding for the 2.5 star hotels, as they usually have free breakfast, which helps a lot! We use the grocery store instead of restaurants.  As soon as we arrive and pick up our rental car, we go to a grocery store, buy a cheap $3 styrofoam cooler, fill it with inexpensive, simple and wholesome food, and load it from the hotel ice dispenser each morning. We go light. Every family member is allowed one small rolling suitcase (carry-on size for clothes) and a lightweight shoulder bag which holds his reading book, card game, activities, water bottle and food pack. Less stuff = less work.

Food packs: I got tired of being the food dispenser, and all-over-my-lap-in-the-car sandwich maker, so it is fabulous having everyone take charge of themselves! The “food pack” is just a zip-lock bag with each family member’s name on it.  All of the day’s food goes into this zip-lock bag, making everyone self-sufficient between breakfast and dinner.  Each morning after a simple breakfast (fruit with yogurt, bread and peanut butter or cream cheese), the food packs are loaded with the goal: “only pack what you will eat”.  Family members are assigned to make up the individual components (a baggie of baby carrots, or nuts and raisins, sandwiches, etc.) and they are laid out wherever convenient (you have to get creative in a hotel room).  Each person takes what they will need and hauls their own food pack. Then during the day, everyone helps themselves when hungry or thirsty, giving mom a vacation too, and saving the budget from hunger-induced purchases or eating in restaurants.  On each trip, we make sure to go to a local restaurant once or twice and eat what the locals eat—be it yucca root, okra and green tomatoes, crab cakes, bread pudding,  poi or alligator!  We look forward to that new adventure, and usually order one of each unusual traditional food and share our plates. Eating unusual food alone expands our experience greatly!  And gives us some startling memories to laugh over: fried dill pickles, ugh!

Daily journal writing preserves the fun memories, the learning moments, and gives expression to the many questions and pondering that takes place as you learn something new.  They are also a great evening activity in a hotel room, as well as reading travel brochures and planning the next day. We don’t watch TV in hotels, but we definitely swim! Anyway, those travel journals pack great memories!

We read all the plaques, stop at all the museums and points of interest, go wherever we want to go, and study whatever piques our curiosity.  Education at its most sublime! We plan each day loosely and enjoy lots of spontaneity.  My husband gets the all-time-award for being the most versatile driver!  I am known to call out suddenly, “turn here!!!” as I see something of interest. And he does! From tiny crowded one-way alley streets in Italy to dirt trails up steep mountains in the Rockies, he amazingly responds to my “let’s go there!” and we’ve had some marvelous (and scary) adventures!  And seen wonderful off-the-path sights too, like a bubbling mineral hot spring hill formation right out in a field in Colorado that we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants and waded around in.  And concrete WWI Nazi bunkers on the cliffs of Normandy, France that we climbed down in and felt sobered by. That spontaneity has paid off and we’ve had amazing learning experiences!

Think about educational travel.  It is possible. You can do it for cheap. It teaches your kids so much!  Those experiences bond your family in wonderful ways!  The world can be your campus.

As we were unpacking from Washington DC, my kids were already talking about where to go next . . .

(Please send comments to:  diane@lovetolearn.net    Thanks!!)

Too bad squash is named squash!  It is such a fabulously vitamin-high veggie . . . with an unappealing name.  I tell my children that God was feeling very, very creative the day he created squashes.  They come in vibrant and unique colors and weird shapes—warted, convoluted, flattened and fluted!  They store well and make such a wholesome contribution to winter meals when the need is for vitamin A is high to protect us from respiratory infections.

We all agree it is excellent nutrition, but the challenge is to find ways to get the squash from the plate into the tummies of reluctant little eaters.  Here’s one way, and it’s super easy!

Look for an acorn squash that is either deep golden or dark green with golden spots. Rinse off the whole acorn squash and turn it stem side down into a crockpot.  Add 1/4 cup water to the crockpot and turn it on “high”.  In about 3 to 4 hours, try sticking a sharp knife in it.  When it is nice and tender, your squash will be all cooked and ready to eat!  Peel off the outer shell gently, preserving the fluted shape which is very pretty! Place the squash on a plate and put a candle in the top just for fun!  Cut slices just like you’d cut a birthday cake. Seeds will come flowing out when you cut it, making for more excitement. Pass butter and cinnamon at the table to jazz up your delicious squash! Yum!

Enjoy!

My son Ammon loves squash!

Every once in a while, you come across a life-changing book—one that you go back to re-read over and over again and actually try to implement every day to improve your life. Here it is!

I have to admit that the first time I looked at this book, I really didn’t agree with the title. After all, that is what mothers are for—isn’t it?—to make everything all better! Moms are supposed to kiss away owies, break up arguments, explain homework, make sure family member’s clothes match, and in general, “fix things”.  I thought I was supposed to make everything all better. Then I started reading and I was in for a shock. I was actually frustrating my loved ones with all my “trying-to-fix-things”!

This insightful book teaches the practical how-to of being an understanding, loving, true friend to your family and associates by learning to empathize, rather than solve problems. By allowing our loved ones to take responsibility for themselves, they are uplifted and empowered. And you will find some peace, Mom. Instead of feeling like you have to control things, or solve others’ problems, or advise anyone—you can learn to be an understanding listener and enable others to find their own solutions. What a brilliant and enlightening concept.  A listening ear, not advice, is what blesses our families.

I highly recommend this very practical book that you will put to use the moment you begin reading it. It has made our family life so much better!  I have re-read and studied this book for years and still find it new, fresh and very valuable to me. And essential, as is doesn’t come naturally—to me, at least.  The principles are simple, but they go against the commonly held beliefs that moms are supposed to give advice, and fix things.  I find the principles in this book to be true, to be freeing and to bring joy!

If you are a  mom who feels like it is your job to make everyone happy, please everyone at your own expense, and keep everything under control, read this book and learn the best way to serve others!  It takes less effort than your old way of responding.  And you will discover that others appreciate you more.

This is an excellent crash course in relationship skills. Chapters cover every possible relationship: with spouse, little children, teenagers, grown-up children, aging parents, split families, etc.  There is also helpful information on when it is appropriate to give advice or teach someone information they may need, and how to do it so you won’t be seen as meddling.

Isn’t it a relief to realize that we don’t have to make everything all better, Mom?  We actually cannot make anything all better.  Everyone has to solve their own problems. But you we learn to love and empathize, have compassion and concern, listen and understand—and in so doing, give others a tremendous gift!

Read this book!  I know you’ll thank me.

Available at my bookstore:  I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better