I was teaching a girls’ Activity Day class and the project I had planned was making casseroles to take to two sick people in our church.  I had set out cutting boards and knives, potatoes and carrots.  The girls were 9-10 years old.  I can imagine in the pioneer era of our nation, out on the frontier, most young girls could manage making dinner by themselves, so I hadn’t even considered that cutting with a sharp knife would be a challenge.  I was stunned to discover that all but one girl had ever before used a sharp knife to chop hard vegetables!

Oh dear, Moms! Let’s not forget the magic of “can-do”.  When a child can do something useful that takes skill—his confidence, self-value, and perceived worth to the family increases dramatically! Suddenly he begins to grin and he seems to grow a few inches taller as well!  He can help! He is able-bodied! He is useful!

Yes, it is more trouble to teach a child to cut with a sharp knife, or put away glass dishes, or teach him to light a fire or other potentially dangerous but necessary skills. It is trouble because now he might do something unwise and risky.  And hurt himself or break something or make a big mess.  Teaching a child to be independent is always more trouble in the here-and now than just doing it yourself.  But in the long run, the payoff is enormous in ability, independence and self-worth.

Babies grow into toddlers grow into preschoolers grow into kids that could actually master some skills, if we noticed they were old enough and gave them the chance to learn!  It sneaks up on us moms.  We get in the habit of doing for kids, and suddenly, our children are pre-teens and can’t use a sharp knife!

Necessity drove me to teach my children rather complex skills, as I had difficult pregnancies and their help was essential! As an 8-year-old, my son Mark learned to operate my breakmixer and and bake our family’s bread. He even won a blue ribbon in the County Fair, Child Division, for his great whole wheat bread!  My son Daniel learned to run the washing machine and dryer, and was in charge of the family laundry at 8 years old, also, when I was pregnant with his sister Julianna.  This might seem like child labor, but you should have seen those boys beam with satisfaction. They knew their contribution was sorely needed at the time!  They could see that it was a blessing to our family, and they got honest praise, and a sense of accomplishment for their skills!

Although I relied on them and taught them skills in response to our family need (rather than on purpose), they flourished and  I adopted this philosophy:  Whatever a child can do for himself (or others who cannot), he should do!

Maybe it is time, for their own good, to put a little burden on the backs of your children.  Allow them the thrill of being useful and capable!

Here’s some help!

One of the books I love for inspiring us to give our children more opportunity to develop their independence and teach them skills is:  Understood Betsy.  A wonderful read-aloud book about childhood and being able to do things!

Equip your children with what they need to really be useful and helpful with yard work, helping with animals, or moving wood.  Kids’ Gloves will protect their tender hands so they can learn to do hard things!  Take a look.

At my house, it is a birthday tradition to serve ice cream cake. It looks gourmet, but it is easier than baking a traditional cake!  Everyone loves it.

Here’s how:

1) Select 3 flavors of ice cream—homemade or grocery store—and set them out to soften for 10 minutes.

2) Using a flexible plastic bowl, or even an empty plastic 5 quart ice cream container, spread the first flavor of ice cream (that you want to appear on the top of the finished “cake”) into the bottom of the container, pressing it down with your hands or a plastic spatula.

3) Repeat with the other flavors, making a distinct layer of each.

4) Cover with a lid or plastic wrap and freeze for 24 hours.

5) To serve, remove from freezer and run a knife along the inside of the bowl or container to loosen.  Flex the plastic container and turn upside down onto a cake stand.  If necessary, put a hot washcloth on the bottom of the container to help the ice cream loosen and drop out.

6) Drizzle chocolate and caramel syrup over the “cake” and top with maraschino cherries and whole pecans, whipped cream, Oreo cookies, sprinkles, candies, nuts, etc.  Serve immediately!

Ta-dah! It’s pretty spectacular!

Louisa turns 15!

Oh, how I love to grow plants!  When the sun warms the earth and things to begin to green up in my valley, I long to spend every waking moment at it.  It is just so soul-nourishing to be outside, with the sun and breeze—insects buzzing, birds chirping, and flowers blooming—feels like paradise to me!

This is my third summer of Square Foot Gardening, and I am having such fun with it. I get at least double the produce I used to harvest in my traditional garden, and I don’t have to till, use a shovel, pull weeds (much), wear shoes or even get dirty!

Come with me into my garden and I’ll give you a little tour.  This year, our spring was very late, so everything is about a month behind scehdule. It is June and we still don’t have peas yet!

Easy access herbs—just out my kitchen door

First thing, right outside my kitchen door, is a big pot (about 2 feet high with drainage) in which I’ve planted rosemary, oregano and lemon balm. I use a deep pot so there will be a lot of root room to hold moisture. If you plant in those shallow planters, you have to water them much more often, and they don’t grow as lush.  Although I grow herbs out in my garden too, having herbs handy right near my kitchen means they’ll get plucked off by hand and used in cooking much more often than if I had to tromp out to the garden to get them.

Next, we’ll go out into my Square Foot Garden, and I’ll show you what is growing so far this year:

Peas and poppies!  I left this bed pretty much undisturbed (except for covering it over the winter with an old blanket held in place with big rocks).  So spring brought California poppies that reseeded themselves from last year. I didn’t want to bother them, as I love them so much, so I just planted my peas amongst the poppy seedlings.  It’s so pretty with both the white blossoms of the peas, and the bright yellow-gold poppies!

Chard, kale and garlic overwintered and took off growing as soon as it got warm. I also have lettuce that reseeded itself and grew into big heads before the weather was warm enough for me to get out and plant my garden (lettuce loves cool weather). Other spring greens have flourished: spinach, green onions, dill, cilantro, and many varieties of lettuce provide us with a big salad at each meal!  Before I did Square Foot Gardening, I never grew decent lettuce.  Now it is a mainstay of our meals.

I like to intersperse flowers among the vegetables to make the garden a feast for the eyes, as well, and to keep bouquets of fresh flowers on my table all summer long.  Since each bed is marked into square foot sections, it’s easy to put a square foot of zinnias between a square foot of onions and lettuce.

We’ve got all our garden beds planted. Daily I see new seedlings that have popped up.  Keeping the ground moist while seeds are germinating makes conditions ideal, and radishes are up within 3 days, beans within 5 days.  Louisa and I go out every morning to check what has sprung up overnight!

Now it is just the work of the sun to make it all grow. Since each square foot is covered with plants (no pathways), there really isn’t room for weeds. The only work I have to do until harvest is pull a random, tiny weed seedling here or there, and keep the water coming. And enjoy!  It is so very satisfying to garden using this method!

If you’d like to take a look at my past Square Foot Gardening adventures, here’s some photos:

A New Way to Garden

Second Year: Square Foot Gardening

Carrots, Really?

How Does My Garden Grow?

I just listened to yet another mom describe her “mad teenagers”. This is a problem that seems to happen all-too frequently amongst homeschooling families. And it doesn’t need to be.

A family starts off excitedly homeschooling their little ones, and things go pretty well. Life is fun day-by-day being together. The kids are excited and learning. Mom is delighted with their progress. Read-aloud, field trips, library trips, hands-on science experiments, and more blend together to make a very satisfying lifestyle and educational experience. It seems her children will turn out the best ever! She teaches them about God, about honesty, about manners. They are smarter and more mature and respectful than their peers. Everything is going well.

Fast forward 10 years and it can be quite a different story. Teenagers now—those once-happy-little-ones may be sullen, resistant, unmotivated.  They can wreck the atmosphere in the home, and be a constant source of frustration to a mom who is cheerfully trying to keep her homeschool going.

What happened?

Basically, a young child’s needs are easily met within the family circle. But as that child grows year by year, those needs change. And if Mom the Teacher doesn’t flex and grow to provide for the teen’s needs, frustration can result. This can be especially challenging because mom is probably still having babies, and the little ones are still responding joyfully to her “method”.

For a growing pre-teen, the family circle is becoming a bit cramped. And, because growing-up is new to the child, they often can’t really express the growing unrest and resistance they feel. Once you’ve raised a few kids, you come to watch for this development in your children around 11 years old, give or take. It seems to correspond with self-awareness. Right before you eyes, your child changes from a carefree youth who doesn’t care if his socks match, to a self-conscious adolescent who looks in the mirror too much. If you jump right on it when you see the symptoms, and provide for his needs, life goes on happily. If you continue homeschooling-as-usual, expecting them to be content within the family circle, then anger and resistant or sullen behavior may surface—a symptom of those unmet needs.

So what is the cure?

Open the circle. Help your teens by striving to provide:

*Friends

*Association with members of the opposite sex (who have high standards)

*Venturing out in the world beyond home

*Relating to adults (outside family relations)

*More challenging schoolwork

*More responsibility in areas that truly contribute (being treated like an emerging adult)

So, how does one put that prescription into practice? Well, a good homeschooling support group can meet lots of those needs all in one swoop. Getting together with other homeschool families that have teens, and rotating the moms as teachers is the best way I’ve found to give our teens the friends they crave and truly need, as well as other adults to learn from and relate to. It also gives them time out of the family circle, more challenging schoolwork, someone besides Mom to be accountable to, and something to look forward to (and dress-up for!). When you put your efforts toward building such a group, you will find that your children have opportunity to make friends with those who share your values.

I put a lot of effort in trying to provide the social environment to meet my teens’ needs. We put on an Annual Homeschool Proms for a decade. Plus . . . campouts, 4th of July BBQ, Wacky Olympics, Space Camp, more dances, and many other activities with our homeschooling friends.  We had weekly Teen Club, plus our Friday Fun Classes (rotating moms as  teachers).  Our homeschool group made meeting my teens’ social needs much easier!

If you don’t have a homeschool group, but can manage to teach a class that will gather good teens, you can provide a wonderful situation for your teen to make friends and have a social setting. My daughter Emily’s teen homeschool group included more than 25 teens who crowded into our living room for a weekly Wednesday Geography class. Even just inviting a few teens over on Saturday nights for games can help. Having good like-minded friends and a satisfying social life for your teens is worth a lot of effort on Mom’s part to orchestrate.  It pays huge dividends in balance, contentment and social skills for your teen.

Enrolling in school part-time seems to be the default choice parents of homeschooling teens often use to banish restlessness and discontentment. Taking a few classes at a private, charter or public school can fill that need to expand a teen’s circle, but not without some drawbacks. Kids that have been socially deprived may be over-eager and fall in with bad friends, as they are often the easiest to win acceptance from. Another consideration of school attendance is that you have mentored your child to this point with solid values which generally include loving to learn, valuing intelligence, not wasting time, not cheating, not focusing on artificial measures of worth (grades, clothes, beauty, brawn) and more. These values will definitely be challenged in a school environment.

Belonging to a team (whether a ball team, a scouting troop, a dance company, a choir or an orchestra) is a growing experience for teens. They have to be dependable to their peers, and that is the stuff that helps fulfill and define a teen’s sense of “who am I”. Having a part-time job can work wonders to help fulfill this need also.

Whenever I hear about homeschooling families who have decided that taking online courses or distance learning would be a good solution for their teen, I shudder. Isolation is the worst prescription for a teen. That’s what more time on the computer or studying alone brings. The need is for a wider, more social daily interaction.  Online courses—more computer time, less face-to-face involvement with people—often makes things worse!

Treating these growing-into-adult children like the adults they soon will be is excellent therapy. Put them in charge of dinner one night per week, or in charge of grocery shopping or baking the family’s bread, keeping track of the library books so they don’t get overdue fines, balancing the family checkbook and paying bills, fixing the computer, or any other responsibility that truly contributes to the family in an adult-like way. Give them the job, train them, help them feel the responsibility, and don’t do it for them when they falter. Your teen will learn, you will be off-loaded, plus you’ll come to really rely on their much-needed contributions to the family, and they will feel indispensable in a healthy way.

When we think of homeschooling, we may think “academic”, but raising a whole person requires balance in every dimension, and adapting to their changing needs. Give teens what they need and they will be content and happy . . .  well, as happy as possible while going through puberty!

P.S.  If you would like to read a great book on helping your teens and making your homeschool and home life that growing, happy place it should be for teens, I recommend:

Jumping Ship
What to Do So Your Children Don’t Jump Ship to the World When They Get Older

My son Nathan and his wife Melanie are in a busy time of life raising my darling little grandchildren!

When you are a busy mom, life can sometimes feel like swimming upstream.  I remember having the elastic come out of the wrist casing on the sleeve of my nightgown when I was the mother of 7 active children at home. I love to sew, and seaming up that elastic shouldn’t have taken longer than 10 minutes or so (once I got the sewing machine set up), but it was 10 minutes I didn’t have, and every time I wore that nightgown, I looked at that flopping sleeve and wondered why I couldn’t snag 10 minutes between the nursing and schooling and diapering and cooking and story-reading and bandaging and grocery shopping and counseling and cleaning up spills and . . . and all that a mom does.  So, along with my 1-2-3 Goals, I started making my “Done List”  (rather than “To Do” list).

A “To Do” List can be too discouraging. For one thing, once I started listing all the necessary and pressing things that needed doing, I had unleashed a torrent that lengthened and compounded . . . to the overwhelming point!  Better to focus on what I did accomplish that day, rather than catalog all the impossibilities! So, instead of a “to do” list, I chose my 1-2-3 on-purpose things I wanted to get done that day—and tried to make them happen, no matter how small. And sometimes I was able to finish one or two more things!  So I jotted those completed accomplishments on my list, too.  And that list gave me enormous satisfaction! I had done something concrete, something on-purpose that would make a difference!

Now, I am not talking about the “have-to’s”: those things that are part of your responsibilities every day, such as putting on meals, bathing children, doing laundry, driving carpools, etc. (unless you have a new baby and getting dinner is your main goal of the day).   I am talking about the purposeful doing of some thing that surely would not get done unless it was on your list.  Such things as:

• riding your bike around the block
• planting flower seeds
• jotting a thank you note
• reading one chapter of a good book to your children
• making a quick phone call to a loved one
• straightening or cleaning out a drawer
• baking your husband’s favorite banana nut muffins
• crocheting for 15 minutes
• writing in your journal
• playing a song on the piano
• reading a book you’ve been wanting to, even for a few minutes
• matching socks
• fixing something broken
• taking a walk
• pulling weeds for few minutes
• taking the time to put on perfume and lipstick
• writing a letter to a missionary
• taking some photos of the flowers in your yard, or your cute kids
• cleaning out your purse or diaper bag
• writing in a baby book

When life is full and busy, and you don’t have a lot of control over your time, even small “to do’s” can be challenging.  So, writing a “Done List” as I went through my day made more sense to me. It felt more positive.  It cataloged the small accomplishments, and over a week’s time uplifted me, whereas a “To Do” list could weigh me down. No matter how much I did, there was so much more waiting that it made my accomplishment look minuscule by comparison.  Much better to focus on what I did manage to do!  That gave me hope, and I could see the good of it piling up, one tiny deed at a time, like small grains of rice that grow into a big heap one by one.

Funny thing about ‘To Do” lists is that while you are busy raising a family, much of those tasks never will get done, and it’s okay. I was looking through my fabric today and came across a little lavender Easter dress, size 4, that just needs its button and collar to be finished.  I am still in the long process of sewing it for my first daughter, Julianna—who is now married. And it is okay. I did the important stuff, like teach her about God, and how to live and be happy. The rest is extra.

I’m not totally cured of making very long “To Do” lists to overwhelm myself, but those “Done Lists” sure do make me feel much more satisfied!

One of the very few huge summer goals I did finish: my then 11-year-old son Nathan's "Nate the Great" quilt!

Summer spans so widely before us! It feels like we will finally have a moment to do everything we haven’t had time for during the school year. Cleaning out closets, getting to the mending, putting in the garden, taking the kids on outings, going to dental appointments, reading those books that have been waiting, and more. Goals and to-do’s start piling up rapidly. Pretty soon it can be overwhelming. It’s time for “1-2-3- goals”!

I learned to do “1-2-3 goals” when I was a busy mom with a big family and a new baby. Obviously there wasn’t much time to get projects and goals done, so I found myself prioritizing and just limiting myself to 3 things. Now, three goals was not what I had in mind—I had in mind doing great wonders and accomplishing everything—but it is much more practical than burdening myself with a huge list that made me feel hopeless. Just 3 is doable!

When I had a new baby, one of my day’s goals was making dinner. That might seem like a given, but with a new baby, it was a big project! So my #1 goal each day was making dinner. #2 was often getting homeschool started on time (even if I was not dressed yet). #3 might be writing in my journal, visiting a neighbor or taking a walk. These seem simple and they were. That was all I could manage, though.

Summer is before us, and my goals are piling up. I think “1-2-3-goals” might be just what I need now in my life too. Just focusing on 3 things per day that can be managed will add up over the months of summer. Think I’ll set aside that long, long list I have been busily creating, and just focus on getting 3 on-purpose things done each day.

Now, I can do that!

Sometimes, you just want a brownie!

In spite of being sugar-free—and trying to use fresh fruit for the sweets in my diet—there are moments when a brownie is just right.  This one has lots of wholesome ingredients in it.  Next time, I am going to try adding flaxseed too.  Sweet and chocolately!

Mega-Brownie Bite

• 7/8 cup whole wheat flour (freshly ground soft wheat is best)
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/3 cup cocoa powder
• 3/4 cup xylitol (or 1/2 cup white sugar + 1/4 cup brown sugar)
• 1/4 cup butter, softened or melted (or coconut oil)
• 1/3 cup + 1 tablespoon plain unsweetened yogurt
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1/2 cup walnuts or pecans

Combine all ingredients together, kneading with your hands to mix.  It will seem quite dry.  Pat into one huge cookie on a baking pan.  Bake at 350° for 15-18 minutes until set and firm on the edges.  Let cool.  Satisfies 4-6 sweet-tooth cookie monsters!

Yum!

One of the most important parenting lessons that I ever learned is: “Never reward negative behavior!” That one line can make a world of difference in your family life. It is so simple, really!

Think of the little girl in the shopping cart seat who is whining, whining for candy. We’ve all seen it (and probably lived it too!) The little girl is working up to a loud and annoying pitch, and her exasperated mother is getting more and more frustrated. Ten minutes later, the little girl is gobbling her candy. What lesson did Mother unknowingly teach to her very smart little girl? “If you whine loud and long enough, I’ll give you a treat!” You can bet that behavior will be repeated every time they go to the grocery store!

The husband who forgets to take out the trash (or mow the lawn, or pick up his socks) finds that his wife has become impatient and done it herself. Lesson learned? “If I wait long enough, somebody will do it.”

The child who can’t find his book (shoes, mitt, etc.) and keeps complaining until his mother finally gets up and finds it for him. Lesson learned? “If you bump around complaining long enough, Mom will find it!”

I don’t mean to suggest that loved ones are conniving. It is just human nature—no hurt is intended, but if it works, the behavior will be repeated.  That’s why people pound vending machines!

What about the child who can’t sit still and behave during a class or church service? If the parent gets exasperated enough, they may be taking the child on a trip out into the hall for awhile. What is intended as a punishment really becomes a great reward for a bored child.  Maybe their parent will get distracted talking to someone, and the child can take a long break from church!

I once observed a young mother who was so sweet with her children but suddenly went “deaf” whenever a child whined. She didn’t scold or remind, she just couldn’t hear them, apparently! I was amazed at how quickly her “whiner” changed her voice tone when she could no longer get a response from Mom.

Next time you observe behavior you don’t like, identify the reward. People don’t keep doing things unless there is some kind of payoff. And if you have been roped into “paying”, stop! And the negative behavior will eventually stop too.

Don’t forget the opposite is true:  reward behavior that you want to see continued.  Smiles and hugs and treats and fun should be in store for those who behave well.  If you only pay attention to the kids when they do something irritating, they will learn how to get your attention, and you won’t like it.  Noticing good stuff takes intentional parenting, but the child who hears pleasant comments while they are playing the piano is going to feel a lot happier about the piano than the child who only hears about it when they miss practicing.

Patience pays big dividends.  If a child is making a noise, tapping the table, hitting a drum, singing an annoying tune, making faces, or whatever else annoys you . . . a good strategy is to wait.  He can’t and won’t go on forever.  If you can outlast him, not rewarding that behavior with attention, you will be the victor sooner than you think. But if it irritates you enough to “get your goat” and make you do something about it, he got your attention. Which has its own reward.  Outlasting little annoyances is a good alternative to constant correction.  It’s also a good thing to teach little sisters who are teased and pestered.  It’s no fun to “bug” someone who is “unbuggable”.  Ignore and outlast it, and the teasing will soon disappear.

Now, you know the secret, Mom:  never reward negative behavior.